Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Poor Buster

Buster is going to be 3 years old next week. In the last few months, we've seen huge changes in him. Among other things, he's potty trained, sleeps in a toddler bed, dresses & undresses himself & plays independently for much longer stretches of time. He's definitely completed the transition from "baby/toddler" to "kid". We're really proud of him.

However, it's also brought up a whole new set of issues we're not quite sure how to handle.

Buster is able to do lots of things now that Buddy can't and we suddenly find ourselves struggling with two different sets of rules and expectations for the boys. That's not the easiest thing to do when your kids are 15 months apart and you expect more of your youngest than you do of your oldest.

I want Buster to know that it's a good thing that we trust him to be more independent and self-sufficient. I want him to feel proud when he gets dressed by himself in the morning and falls asleep in his own bed at night. I know he does feel that way when he accomplishes something new, but inevitably that moment comes when taking off his shoes and putting them away becomes less of a thrill and more of a chore. That's when things get tricky because he doesn't understand why I expect him to do something that I'm willing to help Buddy do.

I truly believe that we'd be doing Buster a huge disservice if we lower our expectations and didn't encourage him to live up to his full potential, but I also know he's way too young to understand that. I've tried explaining to Buster a few times that sometimes it takes Buddy longer to learn something than it takes him and that's why I have to help Buddy with things he can do by himself, but Buster just doesn't get it. All he sees, for example, is Buddy getting to sleep in our bed while he's alone in his room. Even though I know we can't hold Buster back just because Buddy's skills are delayed, it still breaks my heart when Buster begs to sleep with me like Buddy does or stomps his feet in frustration because I don't always give him the same amount of hands-on help his brother gets.

I don't want Buster to grow up feeling that we treated him unfairly, pushed him too hard or loved him any less than his brother. I make sure to celebrate his accomplishments, praise his good behavior and smother him with kisses & "I love yous". I know though, in Buster's almost 3 year old mind, our words don't outweigh our actions right now. I know he's felt slighted, frustrated and confused and I hate that. Unfortunately, I just don't think there's any way around it right now.

14 comments:

  1. That's a really tough one. I can see why that upsets you. And I'm sure he doesn't quite understand right now--how could you even explain it to an almost 3-year old? But I have no doubt that he knows you love him. And I have no doubt that you are doing your best.

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  2. That definitely sounds challenging! But, it sounds like you're doing all the right things for both of your boys, even though it's tough. Just like most aspects of parenting, it's a phase that you will make it through!

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  3. Wow. I can feel your pain - especially the bedtime one. They're so young...how can you even begin to explain it? It sounds to me like you're doing an awesome job with what you have to work with. And maybe Buster's understanding more than we realize.

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  4. What a challenging topic! I'm sure navigating these waters is tough on everyone, but I know what an amazing mother you are. You will do what is best for both your sons, and they will both grow up knowing how much you love them. hang in there friend!

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  5. Here from ICLW...this sounds pretty tricky, but you sound like you are handling it well. My twins are the same age but hit milestones at different times, and they get frustrated about that on both ends. It's hard.

    PS: is I Spy a Family from When Harry Met Sally?

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  6. Here from ICLW... I'm sorry I have no wisdom to impart, but I just wanted to say hello and sorry you're dealing with this.

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  7. Wow, that must be tough. I am confident though that over time Buster will recognize the good you are doing by holding him to expectations.

    ICLW

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  8. Wow, that sounds very challenging. Again I have no wisdom to share, just that you are doing a good job and am sure Buster knows he is loved.

    ICLW#16

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  9. Love that you are considering this from Buster's perspective. Perhaps if he helps (when he's able to) with Buddy...that would help him learn that Buddy's needs are different than his own in a way that he might not understand from a conversation. Although I don't have experience with this approach in the home, it has worked very well in the classroom. You are doing great mama!

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  10. This is a tough thing -- but I think in the long run Buster will be glad that you pushed him to reach his potential. But it is hard when he's so young and not able to understand it.

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  11. It definitely sounds like you have a unique challenge but like others have said, you seem like you're handling it beautifully. I'm sure Buster will be more appreciative than you'll know that you pushed him yet showed him so much celebration & love at his accomplishments!

    ICLW#131

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  12. Wow. Just a little behind in blog-world here...

    Others have said it better that I could. I can't even imagine having to navigate this road... and I've read this twice and am still unable to truly wrap my mind around it. That said, you're doing the best thing for your child... even if he can't see it right now. It's like the whole "mean parents" thing going around on FB these days... In hindsight, he will appreciate what you are doing for him. And, I'm sure he knows he's loved...

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  13. Hugs! You're doing great even though you don't feel good about it sometimes. Though right in this moment he may feel that way, as he grows up he WILL understand, he won't feel slighted, and he'll be thankful that he can do those things and that you pushed him to reach his potential. It's not easy though. Thinking of you!

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  14. You're in a tough spot. It sounds like you are handling it well. I am sure it is very hard to do what is best for each of your children when their needs are so different.

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