Poor Buster

Buster is going to be 3 years old next week. In the last few months, we've seen huge changes in him. Among other things, he's potty trained, sleeps in a toddler bed, dresses & undresses himself & plays independently for much longer stretches of time. He's definitely completed the transition from "baby/toddler" to "kid". We're really proud of him.

However, it's also brought up a whole new set of issues we're not quite sure how to handle.

Buster is able to do lots of things now that Buddy can't and we suddenly find ourselves struggling with two different sets of rules and expectations for the boys. That's not the easiest thing to do when your kids are 15 months apart and you expect more of your youngest than you do of your oldest.

I want Buster to know that it's a good thing that we trust him to be more independent and self-sufficient. I want him to feel proud when he gets dressed by himself in the morning and falls asleep in his own bed at night. I know he does feel that way when he accomplishes something new, but inevitably that moment comes when taking off his shoes and putting them away becomes less of a thrill and more of a chore. That's when things get tricky because he doesn't understand why I expect him to do something that I'm willing to help Buddy do.

I truly believe that we'd be doing Buster a huge disservice if we lower our expectations and didn't encourage him to live up to his full potential, but I also know he's way too young to understand that. I've tried explaining to Buster a few times that sometimes it takes Buddy longer to learn something than it takes him and that's why I have to help Buddy with things he can do by himself, but Buster just doesn't get it. All he sees, for example, is Buddy getting to sleep in our bed while he's alone in his room. Even though I know we can't hold Buster back just because Buddy's skills are delayed, it still breaks my heart when Buster begs to sleep with me like Buddy does or stomps his feet in frustration because I don't always give him the same amount of hands-on help his brother gets.

I don't want Buster to grow up feeling that we treated him unfairly, pushed him too hard or loved him any less than his brother. I make sure to celebrate his accomplishments, praise his good behavior and smother him with kisses & "I love yous". I know though, in Buster's almost 3 year old mind, our words don't outweigh our actions right now. I know he's felt slighted, frustrated and confused and I hate that. Unfortunately, I just don't think there's any way around it right now.

Odds & Ends

I'm not sure if there hasn't been much going on or if I'm just too tired for writing, but all I've manged to do this week is scrape together a post with a few random little stories:

• Last winter, Buster had pneumonia in November and then was sick every other week until July. This year, Buddy seems to be on the every other week sickness plan. Since Thanksgiving he's had the stomach flu, a high fever virus & an inner ear infection. The current infliction of the week is a nasty cold & cough. Buddy's limited understanding of germs and illness has led him to believe that in order to get rid of germs, he needs to give them to someone else. He keeps blowing air at me and asking if now I'm the sick one. At least I think that's why he's doing it...or it could just be his way of getting revenge because I refuse to answer him when he speaks in a baby voice.
• As many children do, my boys love to be freed from the constrictive restraints of their clothing. Potty training has made me less inclined to put pants on them, so most days they spend running around the house in various states of undress. Other than worrying that one of them will decide to take their pants off in the middle of school, it doesn't really bother me. This is the only time in their lives they'll feel comfortable running around shirtless without thinking about what their stomachs look like, so why not make the most of it?
• Buster just went through a big "Why?" phase. "Why is this a cat?", "Why do we need clocks?", "Why is rain wet?", why, why, why, why, why....Recently, the whys have tapered off. Just as I was about to let out a big sigh of relief, he moved onto a different phase. Now everything is "How do we make chairs?", "How do we make tvs?", "How do we make chickens?"...
• I started something new this week - the afternoon bath. That post-nap, pre-dinner time of day is always our worst, especially in the winter when there's not many places to go. The bath is the perfect solution. It allows non-napper Buddy to sit quietly with a bucket and champion sleeper Buster to rambunctiously swim back and forth like the little energizer bunny he is. Yesterday they stayed in there for an hour and ten minutes and today they lasted nearly an hour. And here's the best part, I get to sit on the edge of the tub with my Nook. I spent the afternoon reading today!

On My Soapbox

I love reading. From the moment my mom handed me her first edition Nancy Drew books, I was hooked. I love that reading a good story offers me the chance to escape into someone else's life, to see the world through their eyes. It doesn't matter if it's dark and unsettling or light and funny, a good story always teaches me something about the world and myself.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a good story (and yes, I've actually read the book, not just the Cliff Notes).

If you haven't heard, a publisher recently decided to print an updated version of the book with the racist and offensive language removed. I realize the n word is used a lot in that book - 219 times according to one of the articles I read. I know some parents and educators hear that number and are so disgusted by it or so afraid of it that their knee-jerk reaction is to decide its not a book that they want anywhere near kids. According to the publisher, they hoped that by removing the n word, more schools would put the book back on their recommended reading lists.
I'm sure some people think this is a great compromise that will give more kids access to a classic piece of literature. Personally, I don't think the book should have been taken off those reading lists in the first place and this new, more PC version bothers me for many reasons.

Number one, does sheltering kids from the language in this book actually accomplish anything? Does anyone believe that if they don't read it in a book or see it on tv, children are never going to hear derogatory terms or witness racism? Mark Twain did not create those words. Those words are in the book because they were part of his society...and are still part of ours. Removing them from the story and replacing them with kinder, gentler ones isn't going to change that.

Number two, how does presenting a watered-down version of events benefit anyone? How can we expect kids to make sense of the past if we don't give them all the facts? Even when that past is harsh - actually, especially when it's harsh - don't we owe kids the chance to understand history so they don't make the same mistakes? The world wasn't perfect then and its not perfect now. I don't understand how hiding or minimizing old injustices does anything to help solve current ones.

Number three, does anyone really believe that kids will assume offensive language is okay because they read it in a book? My preschoolers already know that just because someone else does something doesn't mean they should. Why do people believe that middle and high school aged kids aren't capable of understanding that characters in a story, even likable ones, say things they shouldn't? I think we need to have a little more faith in kids' intelligence.

I understand the instinct to protect our children's innocence and also our desire to raise them to be the kind of people to whom race doesn't matter. But the reality is racism is part of our past and still part of our present. Sugarcoating history isn't going to change that. The only way to change it is to face the truth head on. We shouldn't ban this book or edit its content. Instead, I think we should embrace it in its original form and use it as a starting point for some very honest, real discussions.

A Decade Gone By

Over the last ten years, Chris & I have had some big moments. Each year seemed to bring with it a new, life-changing event:

2001 - The year we graduated from college

2002 - The year we got married

2003 - The year we bought our first house & started trying to have a baby

2004 - The year we spent doing fertility treatments

2005 - The year I had a miscarriage

2006 - The year we decided to adopt

2007 - The year we adopted Buddy & became parents

2008 - The year we adopted Buster & became a family of four

2009 - The year we bought our second house

2010 wasn't really "the year" of anything. For the first time in a decade, there wasn't one life altering event, either good or bad, that consumed me and defined the year.

We've spent the last ten years working toward the life and the family we have now. Its wonderful, after a decade of change and turmoil, to realize we're finally where we want to be.

For us, the last ten years have been defined by the big moments. I hope the next ten are defined by the small ones, the birthdays and vacations and other typical milestones of family life we've worked so hard to enjoy.